I Forgive Others For Their Flaws
My 28th Year Was Freaking S T E L L A R! So Of Course, 29 Was Going To Be The Same, Right? Right? Wrong (Insert Trump Gif)! 29 Has Been A Damn Ride! It Hasn’t Been All Bad…but These Bumps And Spiritual Understandings Just Hit Different At 29. I’m Ready For 30 Chile! I Had To Go Through Some Thangs This Year In Order To Learn And Solidify Some Truths About Myself.
Figuring Out If I Was Moving In The Right Direction Took Going Back To Therapy & Those Good Old 3am Living Room Floor Sessions. One Tall Order For 29 Was That I Had To Learn To Forgive. I Had To Forgive So Many People Who Promised Me They’d Never Hurt Me. People Who Promised To Have My Best Interests At Heart. People Who Promised That If I Told Them They Were Hurting Me, They’d Listen And Stop. People I Had So High Up On A Pedestal. I Had To Accept That They Were Simply Human (Even When They Themselves Couldn’t Seem To Accept It) And Just Like Me, They Came With Shortcomings & Flaws….Even If They Did Have Good Intentions.
Humanity Is An Ocean; If A Few Drops Of The Ocean Are Dirty, The Ocean Does Not Become Dirty.” – Mahatma Gandhi
First Up On My List Was Isaiah. Chile. Honestly, The Fact That I’m Even Writing About That Man Is A Testament To My Forgiveness. That Man Shook Me To My Core. Everything In Me Wanted To Hate That Man. I Wanted To Hold A Grudge Against Him, Tell The World How Damn Egocentric, Immature, Manipulative, & Apathetic He Is. I Was Fully Prepared To Come All The Way Out Of Character To Be Hateful. From Ny To Nc, Over To Chicago, Swinging Down To Georgia, And Back Home To Baltimore, I Was Ready To Put That Ass On Blast. I Was Ready To Put On A Show. I Had The Energy On Deck!!!
But…choices.
And Of Course, Once I Snapped Back To Reality, I Realized That It Wouldn’t Change A Damn Thing. So, I Might As Well Re-Channel That Energy Into Owning And Figuring Out My Part That I Played In My Heartbreak. I Had To Own The Failure As Much As He Did. There Were Certain Things I Knew About Him Prior To Us Being Together, Certain Mindset And Personality Differences That I Chose To Ignore That I Shouldn’t Have. I Ignored My Intuition Every Step Of The Way. He’s A Handsome, Well Meaning Guy…but Looking Back, I Knew This Wasn’t Going To Work Back When We Were Just Friends. But, Y’all Know Me Lmao I’m A Glutton For Trying To Make Some Shit Work.
I Ignored The Way He Talked To Me, I Ignored Some Of His Views On Women And Marriage, I Ignored His Massive Ass Ego, I Ignored So Many Character Traits That Just Don’t Fit With Me. Might I Have Been Blinded By Attraction? Yeah. Was I Geeked That Someone Wanted To Marry Me Off The Rip? Hell Yeah! But, The Foundation Of Our Relationship Wasn’t Even Close To Being Solid.
My Flaw And Bias Is That I Demonized Him For The Ways In Which He Was Healing And The Decisions He Chose For Himself. I Admit, I Was Loving That Potential Instead Of Just Accepting Him As He Came And Simply Moving On From The Relationship. But….As Much As I Own My Part, That Doesn’t Change My Truth And What I Experienced In The Relationship. At The End Of It All, He Had Me Believing That I Was Insane. That I Wasn’t Worth Any Kindness, Compassion, Care…that I Wasn’t Worth Being A Priority And Having Someone Do The Things For Me That I’d Do For Them. I Thought I Was Lucky That Someone Like Him Even Had Any Interest In Me. That Man Had Me Thinking I Didn’t Deserve Anything I Ever Envisioned Myself Having.
I Can’t Tell Y’all How Many Panic Attacks I’ve Had. Every Time We Felt Cold & Distant While Sitting In Each Other's Faces. SMACK. Every Broken Promise. SMACK. Every 12am Argument. SMACK. Every Covert Threat. SMACK…It Was Really Pathetic.
It Hurt Me, But I Realized…I Was Afraid Of Him…I Was Real Life Afraid Of My Own Fiancé.
I Look Back And Laugh And Shake My Head At Everything Now. I Took Every Lesson Away That I Needed To Take, But I Should Have Never Been There To Begin With. It Looked Too Familiar…Felt Too Familiar. It Looked Like The Emotional Abuse I Went Through As A Kid. It Felt Like How I Talked To Myself After Being Sexually Assaulted. Too Many Excuses Made, Too Many Signs Ignored.
Forgiveness Looks Like Healing For The Sake Of Your Own Health And Peace Of Mind. It’s Not Going To Give You The Temporary High That Vengeance And Putting On A Show Can Provide. Forgiveness For Me Looks Like Healing And Staying Far Away. In This Type Of Situation, For Me It’s Best To Go No Contact. You’re Getting Blocked On Everything. I’ll Never Speak Ill Of You, I’ll Always Be Respectful. I Accept You For Who And Where You Currently Are. But I’ll Never Forget How You Made Me Feel.
