Turns Out…Perfect Can Be Easy.

For A Very Long Time Growing Up, I Assumed That The Strongest Relationships Were The Messiest Ones. Fighting For Each Other, Fighting Over Each Other, Fighting To Make It Work With Each Other, When The Going Got Tough. We Are Raised To Believe That The Kind Of Love Worth Having Is Difficult. Messy. Inconsistent.

As Black Folks, We’ve Been Conditioned To Believe That If Love Isn’t Tough, It Isn’t Real. We See This In Black Families, Black Greek Organizations, Black Films, Black Music, Black Culture. The Philosophy Is That The More Hurt, Pain, & Struggle You Endure, The More You Love And Are Dedicated To Your Person, Your Family, Your Organization, Your People.

Black Women, Specifically, Are Constantly Told That We Should Ask For Little And Accept Even Less. We’re Labeled Gold Diggers And Social Climbers If We Dare Desire Partners Who Are Providers, Something Women Of Other Nationalities And Races Have Done And Continue To Do For The Betterment Of Future Generations. And We’re Regularly Told That The Things We Desire — Like Marriage — Are Out Of Reach, Out Of Touch, Or Simply Out Of Our League. We Are Constantly Bombarded By Statistics And Studies Proclaiming That We’re Marrying Less Frequently, Marrying Less Stably, And Divorcing More Commonly Than Our Peers, And The Underlying Suggestion Is That We Should Lower Our Expectations If We Hope To Find (And Keep) A Man. And This Is Reflected In Black Media, Black Film, Black Television, And Black Music.

Not For Nothing, But...I’m Tired. I’m Tired Of It All. 

Here’s A Realization It Took Me A While To Come To In Life, Which I Hope That You Arrive At Much More Quickly:

Love Shouldn’t Be The Main Complication In Your Life. It Shouldn’t Be Your Main Source Of Agony. It Shouldn’t Even Be A Major One.

I No Longer Want To Endure Struggle Love And Trauma Bonds. I Do Not, I Can Not, & I Will Not. This Applies For Friendships As Well As Relationships. I No Longer Wish To Engage In Friendships That Are Extremely One Sided. I No Longer Wish To Engage In Friendships Where The Love & Support Are Always Given Yet Never Received. I No Longer Wish To Engage In Dating/Relationships Where I’m Choosing To Ignore Red Flags. I No Longer Wish To Engage In Relationships Where I’m Only Focusing On Potential. 

Mother Angelou Once Told Us That “When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them The First Time”. Listen Here, I Believe Y'all! I Am No Longer Wearing Struggle & Strife As A Badge Of Honor And Service. The Struggle Love Trope May Have Worked In The Past, But I Know Better Now. I Know That It Is An Unhealthy Pattern, And It’s Not Fair To Be Expected To Accept Literally Anything. 

I Am Not An Emotional Rehab. There Is No Medal To Win For Sticking By Someone/Something That Is Not Good For You. There’s Not Any Special Honor In Risking Your Own Mental And Emotional Health For Someone Who Is Not Contributing To The Relationship On The Same Level That You Are, Or In Loving Someone Who Is Nothing But A Drain To You.

We Romanticize Fighting For Each Other And Sacrificing For Each Other And Showing Someone That We’ll Be There, No Matter How Hard They Are To Love. But The Truth Is That The Person Who’s Right For You Won’t Be Hard To Love. The Right Person For You Doesn’t Subscribe To Any Sort Of Ration Or Checklist And They Won’t Make You Feel Disoriented And Dizzy. I Found Out That Love Is The Most Natural Thing In The World And Based On Appreciation Of One’s Existence.

Because The Right Kind Of Love Feels Easy. It Feels Like Agreeing Much More Often Than Disagreeing. Like Building Each Other Up Much More Readily Than You Tear Each Other Down. It Feels Like Getting Excited About The Future Together, Because You’re Building One That Both Of You Genuinely Want. The Right Kind Of Love Isn’t Centered Around Conflict. It’s Centered Around Harmony…Around Facilitating One Another’s Growth…Around Supporting Each Other Through Challenges...Around Bringing Out The Best In One Another And Working Through The Worst As A Team.

And You Can Certainly Like The Idea Of Someone. They Can Check Off Every Box On Your List Of What A Romantic Partner Should Be — Good Job (Check), Good Looks (Check), Good Sense Of Humor (Check) Yet You Can Still Feel Like There’s Something Missing. Because Love Doesn’t Work In Boxes And Love Doesn’t Care About Boxes. There’s This Elusive Dynamic To How Two People Can Stay There That Can’t Be Named And Can’t Be Put In A Box.

It Just Is.