But It’ll Be Better in the Morning…

“I can’t ever allow myself to just feel something without concerning myself with how someone else is feeling.”

It’s 1 am. I’m trying to find peace within myself but at this moment, I’m coming up extremely short. I just feel so…..overwhelmed, underwhelmed, neglected, uptight. I feel terrible because if I am feeling this way, I can only imagine how my mom is feeling. But that’s something else that is bugging me. I can’t ever allow myself to just feel something without concerning myself with how someone else is feeling. I can’t ever just allow myself that. I feel so selfish and ungrateful right now. 

There are so many things happening to people, going on in the world. Here I am at 1 am feeling sad and crying because I want someone else to take care of me and baby me for a while. Isn’t that extremely privileged lol I’m really crying about that as I type this. 

I just want to be a damsel for one day. Just one. I want someone else to go buy the groceries and run the errands. I want someone else to do my hair and my nails and my feet. I want someone to lay in bed with me all day and hold me and watch movies and tv with me. I want someone else to feed and cater to me and take care of me, for ONE day. 

I want to wake up and my jaw not be clenched and my neck and back and shoulders hurting to high hell. I want to wake up happy and have my brain be in the fucking moment! I’m TIRED of falling asleep on 10 and waking up on 10. I just want to be WEAK for once. I WANT TO BE WEAK. I WANT TO BE WEAK. I’M TIRED OF BEING STRONG. IM TIRED OF BEING THE SUPPORT. I want to be the dependent and not the caretaker. For once, I want to be someone’s priority. I want that so fucking BAD. 

I want to feel SOMETHING other than worry and stress and sadness. I want my brain to be here and now and not 4 years into the future. I just want to shut it off. I want to cry and not have to suck it up and keep it pushing. I want to cry like a fucking baby and have someone be there to love me through it. I’m WEARY of picking myself up and dusting myself off. I’m just existing. Trying to find enough self support to believe in myself. And then believe in myself for I don’t even know what. Which way do I go? 

I just feel so isolated and alone. It’s so fucking hard. There are worse things to be stressed about and here I am stressing about not having people around lol what the fuck is wrong with me? I try so hard to run away from me and run away from this feeling of being alone but I can’t. I already know one of my purposes on this earth is to be a caretaker. But FUCK if I don’t want someone to take care of me the way I take care of others. I want to feel high…happy. I wake up every day on fucking autopilot. Lmao it's sick, but sometimes I do consider doing acid or coke or molly just so I can feel SOMETHING other than this shit. I feel like I’m stuck in a fucking cage. This shit fucking sucks...